le menu

my life pretty much revolves around food. food is my life. it's not always my best buddy but we usually get along quite well. i'm either thinking about it, preparing it or eating it when i'm awake. and perhaps in my sleep, who knows.

(of course, in reality my friends and family are most important to me but until y'all start paying my bills....)

a relatively interesting thought has entered my pea brain. i think my eating habits are curiously akin to my dating habits/lovelife/escapades.

wtf, jt? let's discuss, shall we?

as you may know i'm an appetizer girl. mostly. i like to get a couple different things from the appetizer menu so i can taste more than one thing. and i'm not referring to jalapeno poppers or mozzarella glue sticks, sampler platters or any of that tgi-applebees bullhonkery. i appreciate a refined and sophisticated snack. usually it's lighter fare that doesn't bog you down and leave you feeling like a big fat stupid tick in need of a gurney.

because as you know, once you order the entree, that's all you have. and for many, you're ok with that. i'm ok that you're ok with that. i wish i was too. i resolve to be more like you. if only i could find one that i love. a lot of people order an entree and though they're not perfectly happy with it never stop to think - this isn't really all that great, in fact, it sucks. they've shoved the whole thing into the old piehole and washed it down with drink of choice.

but come on, the problems that can arise with an entree are copious.

what if you don't like the sauce with the meat?
what if the risotto gets stiff half way through your meal?
sometimes the asparagus is overcooked and slimy. nast.
sometimes the carrots are undercooked, and cwunchy vegetables are for wabbits.
what if you have your eye on the chateaubriand but goshdarnit it comes with hen-of-the-woods mushrooms and you hate mushrooms? oh yeah and there's no substitutions.
what if the whole damn dish is bland and there's no salt on the table?

and for the love of paula dean and giada delaurentiis, what if you finally decide on something only to find out they just sold the last one?!

so many things can go wrong with the entree, yet you've committed to it. and so there you are. f-ed.

it's so stressful for me. i usually have the waiter choose.

not appreciating your entree, you start looking around the table checking out the other dishes. you study whether friends are enjoying their meals or if something's wrong there too. is his tenderloin still hot? are so and so's pommes puree creamy? rats, you think, i shoulda ordered that. can i have a bite of your {blank}?

next thing you know you're not-so-subtly gazing at neighboring tables to see if what they have looks better than what you ordered. you think, perhaps yes. now you're full-on questioning your decision, beating yourself up for making the wrong choice, secretly wishing you had a do-over but too nice to say something, you've eaten half of it and you can't send it back. i'm thinking maybe it's just me and i'm picky [i am a chef you know]. you might even leave, bitching about the place, recommending that others not order an entree.

hell, i'll just run by mcdonald's on the way home.

that's on the one hand.

the other side of me - the crap-i-can't-decide-on-anything-so-i'll-get-it-all side of me loves to order what's known as a chef's tasting menu. 3, 6, 9, 13 courses. bring it. and i'll also take the wine pairing for $300.

why, you ask? why spend all that time and money on one meal? you're crazy. well {yes, i am but you already know that} aside from being a chef who loves to be inspired by others' cooking, i think that the tasting menu is a symbol of hope.

yes, yes, i've gone all sappy and sweet on you.
so un-jt. so un-jennifertye [my newest nickname, wink].

stay with me on this: when you order the tasting menu, if one little thing isn't to your liking, it doesn't spoil the entire meal.

the next item you know is coming will be better and the next dish even better and so on and so forth, culminating with the best damn thing you've ever put in your mouth. hopefully. i mean, that's the idea. these multi-course dinners have more flavors and textures and layers than you could ever really understand. perched on top is something crunchy, whimsical and fun and unexpected. and wonderful. and delicious. merry happy food smile. i still savor a couple tasting menus i had to this day.

quite deliberately, the tasting menu is designed to be a symphony that leaves you completely sated. {after these multi-course outings, just make sure you work out or you'll turn into a big fat ass and believe me, your dinner partner(s) didn't bargain for that}.

lastly i guess what i'm secretly notorious for is complete and utter indulgence in one thing. like nutella. or peanut butter. or chocolate chips. cookies, cake, ice cream with treasures in it - a la ben & jerry's anything. the whole jar, pint, box, whatever. in one sitting. to the point of being disgusted and frankly, sick to my stomach after such an endeavor. then i have to vow off that thing for an undetermined amount of time, til i fall off the wagon again.

showing restraint with some dishes isn't possible i think. when really if i just allowed myself a taste of something regularly i wouldn't go crazy when i got a hold of it and eat the whole blinkin thing. dieting/dating 101, right?

what's my point? bollocks, i haven't the foggiest.

i can't decide if i'm looking for that one extraordinary entree and i just need to realize it, embrace it and stop expecting it to be perfect because it probably is perfect the way it is. perhaps it's a nicely prepared rack of lamb? tony's original crust frozen pizza {extra crispy crust}? a corn dog with mustard? something that surprisingly makes me happy every time.

or should i hold out for the french laundry - the mac daddy of all tasting menus?