dubbing myself, "caterer to congress" sounds snobby, doesn't it? kind of like caterer to the stars. i'm fortunate to have clients who hire me to feed u.s. senators and congressmen. these congressman and their staffers love my food.
[duh, they've been eating crappy food from bull$hit caterers for years, when all they really want is one of jt's mini-burgers.]
i can't say i blame them. we all have to have something to hang our hat on and strangely, this is becoming mine.
honk honk.
remember, this isn't hollywood - our stars are members of congress. more powerful, less attractive. smarter, um, more educated, less fashionable. just look for the little lapel pin to know which one's the star in the room.
it so happens that i have a b.a. in political science, with minors in communications and criminal justice [wow-wee]. i am forever 9 hours short of a master's degree in public administration. i also graduated summa yum foie gras from l'academie de cuisine's professional culinary arts program.
i'm not making this up. i know about both food and politics. [which by the way does not serve me well on dates: one you're not supposed to discuss until like, date #10, and the other has ruined many a potentially romantic evening's dinner by blabbing on and on about the food.]
i wish i could share some interesting nuggets with all of you [both of you] reading this after serving food to some very influential people. this is top secret info. you've heard of doctor-patient confidentiality. i can't tell you what i hear at these dinners and receptions - it would chill you to the bone. it's more drama-filled than that 22 yr old bombshell's story who broke the scandal on the wonkette blog a few years back before we even knew what the f a blog was.
not.
come on, i'm busy making perfect food so that i get hired again and again. i got nothin. i'm not trying to start a watergate. foodgate. i'm just trying to happy up our too-serious and self-involved town with my food, one political fundraiser at a time.
i always wanted to be a politician, growing up. i was the girl {attention-seeking nerd} who ran for every possible office in school (especially the ones with big titles but few responsibilities - like, key club vice president. i suck at math as you may know). my mom told me in high school i had too many skeletons in my closet to be a politician. what, what? seriously? it's not like i was sleeping with prostitutes or forgetting to pay my taxes.
my political career started early. i was the instrumental brainchild of a backdoor vote-trading scandal that got me the illustrious position of state speaker of the house (youth & government) at age 16. impressive, yes?
at last, my dream of becoming a politician is now in bud, much like our beloved cherry blossoms in the tidal basin.
a member of the board of my condo association/my former dog-walker has approached me to be nominated from the floor of the upcoming board meeting where annual elections will take place. she has collected the proxy's of many apathetic condo owners so she can vote on their behalf. if she wins her seat on the board, she can then nominate me from the floor and use all those proxy's to vote me in. as winner. as the politician i was always destined to be.
it is a one-year position to finish out the term of someone who couldn't fulfil her obligation {read: someone who has a more interesting life; a non-meddling, nosy neighbor who's probably had it with the redonkulous nonsense that goes on in the board meetings}.
after a few days of thinking about it, i thought, "hell yeah, i have a platform."
and i'm not referring to my fabulous new louboutins. i have condo needs and want to see what the f is going on in our 'hood. it's high time the hip young people in our neighborhood take over and make this a cool place to be. is it possible?
"we" are running against a couple of people on the "evil" side. read: old, boring and unkempt, nosy, narrow-minded, keeping our neighborhood in the dark ages, blah, blah, blah. "they" think they are running unopposed. little do they know we're gonna backdoor them. heee, love it. who doesn't love a good scandal? did i mention richard nixon used to live in my neighborhood in his early political years - just across the street from me.
oh and if you're wondering what my agenda will be:
of nearly equal importance:
a) the "cool" pool/lyon's lane pool should not open in late JUNE for the love of all things holy. why doesn't that mother-trucker open memorial day like the uncool pools do? wtf? oh and change that baby pool into a hot tub. every pool doesn't have to have a cesspool for toddlers. we can have one for adults, right?
b) dogpark - i'd like to meet a hot guy in my neighborhood and let my dog romp around off his leash. we have plenty of unused land. let's do something productive with it, like create a happy place where dogs run free and attractive single people can begin a spring romance. i'd even be willing to graciously sacrifice some of the park my condo overlooks for that dogpark/hot guy hangout. i'll even serve beers and margaritas/gourmet snacks wearing a very cute apron
c) some condo owners who aren't officially in "patio units", but have the means and wherewithall to create a lovely patio setting that enhances and beautifies the neighborhood should be allowed to have a patio. take that suckas
c1) correspondingly, those who have trailer-trash sanford & son bull$hit junking up your yard will be placed under citizens arrest if it is not removed. kidding, sort of - get rid of it. just cuz you have a patio unit doesn't mean you can put a bunch of crap out there for us to look at. i can only imagine what's inside your house if this stuff is spewing to the outdoors
c2) unrelated but this reminds me: that ALL lower level (lincoln model) units must have blinds/window coverings on the bathroom windows. imagine the horror of catching a glimpse of my 400 lb neighbor sitting on the growler taking a grumpy while reading his paper!! omg! gross! ice cream~palm trees~happy place
d) direct tv - if you want direct tv, you should be able to have it. period. i don't want it but i don't give a frog's fatass if someone else does. knock yourself out. it's supposed to be a free country
e) christmas decor on the outside of the house should be taken down by jan 31 you lazy bastahds
f) why can't the recycling guys come more than once per week? if the world's to become a greener place it can start with us. plus, i can't keep saving all my recycling up for a blinking week, it's out of control. see, i'm not totally shallow, people
g) why are the people in the office so rude? i'm paying over $300 a month to pay your salaries. act nice, you grumpasaurus rexes. piss me off.
h) can we talk about central heat and air? geez, how hard would it be to just get it over with already. baseboard heating and window a/c units are unattractive and sooooo 30 years ago. let's spend that rainy-day money
i) snow-shoveling of our steps. do iiiit. i'm a girl. i need it
10) take the locks off the tennis courts. i can't find my key and i want in. i haven't seen any rogue tennis players in the neighborhood lately, i think we're safe
11) dog swim. dogs like to swim and they should be able to from time to time - fairlington lets their dogs swim on the last pool day, as well we should
12) parallel parking. if there's like 3' between your car and the next car because you don't know how to park, you're under citizens arrest. i hate coming home late and can't park because everyone's got too much room between their cars. perhaps you've heard me yelling/cussing like a sailor late night? i'll stop if you simply learn how to park. let's be courteous to all our neighbor parkers coming home late from the bars
13) park fairfax workmen should be working, not sitting in their parked vehicles for an hour whilst i carry in 900 lbs of groceries
14) free wi-fi. i hate comcast. 6 people per bldg are paying for wi-fi. we should have it for free - paid for by the association and give comcast a set neighborhood fee. they own us, and it pisses me off. losers.
15) i'll bring yummy gourmet snacks to the condo association meetings
there's prob more but i'll keep you posted on this heated election as necessary. rock the vote on april 15.
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