oh no he di'n't

see, when your mama advises you that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, you should listen. sometimes it comes back around and bites you in the tush. and not in a good way.

here's your chance, friends to say it. you told me so.

i find the following comment sent by "anonymous" unequivocally worth posting. it's honest. it might even be true. and like i always say, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you blah, blah, blah.

"It's amazing how technologically saavy we "amish" are these days. Writer embellishments and artistic license withstanding, this was a very entertaining read. It's a shame that the witty, vibrant, and wickedly funny writer of this blog was unable to show up at Policy that night. It would have been great to have met her......"

snap. well said.

policy, 1904 14th street, nw, u street corridor, dc

policy is one of the smooth new coolcat spots to grace the u street corridor. joining old school classics cafe st. ex and local 16 along with the new: hominy, 1905, the gibson and new-ish marvin, cork and vinoteca. what i'm loving about the u street corridor is now we have freedom of choice. you don't get all the way over there only to find yourself trapped in a joint you're not feelin. eclectic little spaces with loads of character. just add cool people and stir. instaparty. and if you don't like the scene at one, ease on down the road.

the main floor, pictured here, is a cheeky combo of retro and mod with red vinyl booth seating and barstools right outta the 70's. if they drank i could totally see jill, kelly and sabrina sipping cosmos and rehashing the roller derby antics, leaving dingbat bosley with the tab.

upstairs, the walls are covered with handpainted graffiti murals. and from the ceiling hangs a multitude of sparkling chandeliers. i'm in love with this room. curiously empty tonight, a thursday. it's so contrary to the place i just left in every possible way and i hope it's not indicative of the level of fun i'm about to have or have not.

i remind you two readers that i just left dinner at ray's with my former neighbors and mr. pretty restauranteur. how many times in my life will i happen upon all those traits [so tightly] wrapped into one package - i sure hope more than once. i'm nearly positive he had a flaw or two, but none that i could see. 'cept that unremitting stream of speakage. hee. at least he's not a non-talker.

fortunately policy has valet. what a delightful surprise on a drizzly night in a tricky parking neighborhood. bonus. i love valet. especially when they don't rake you over the ever-lovin' coals: i think it was $8 or $10. i manage to arrive before blind date from the amish country. yay me for being stealth-late.

i do not have a reservation, a risky endeavor given what i've read about standing room only happening here. i just enjoyed three and a half courses at ray's the steaks so i don't plan to eat. i ask the hostess if i can get a table. she was sweet and though they were superslow, she inexplicably had to mull it over for a [strange too long] minute. i mention that someone's gonna be joining me. and i didn't know who he was. trying to collect a poor baby or two i tell her i'm meeting a blind date. bingo. she gives me the green light for a red booth.

she wishes me luck.

within 5 minutes blind date from amish country arrives. he's not ugly. but he's not my type either. is it terribly shallow when you know this just by looking? he doesn't look like the britney spears-listening popaholic he told me he was. [i'm not making this up. and i don't mind it either.] he also doesn't appear to have just valeted a horse and buggy. nice jeans, nice jacket. thank heavens he came dressed for a date. i really appreciate that.

perhaps people in amish country overcompensate for some things by engaging in others. like lady gagaspears and designer jeans. i don't know. i happen to love britney, as you well know.

he sits, we start to chat. the cocktail list at policy is whimsically fun. you know, while i'm a die-hard champers girl (that's british for bubbly wine), i do enjoy the fact that so many places offer unusual cocktails now. bar-chefs and mixologists preparing complicated drinks from purees made from scratch mixed with other fruity juices and extracts.

bar chefs. let's not overuse a word precisely termed for a reason, chef. i prefer when they're referred to as mixologists or master mixologists. i doubt bar-chefs are getting their asses kicked in the kitchen as they wait for their simple syrup to come to a boil. maybe i'm being sensitive. i have a great deal of respect for these folks, i really do. anyone who sees the value in raising the level of normal expectations and experience by studying the art and history of making cocktails, can explain the nuances of vodkas, putting unexpected flavors together gets two thumbs up from this girl. i appreciate that. sorry but i can't get on board with calling it a bar chef though. and i don't want to be called a food mixologist either.

the drink menu includes a few bottles of bubbly that i find to be over the top for this spot. i'll have to report back on a busier night to really examine the patrons, but i don't know too many places featuring the first bubbly on the list a $600 bottle of cristal and include an $850 dom perignon 1996 rose. do you? they also offer in da club hilton-lohan vip bottle service not typical of this neighborhood i think. whatev. then they have a list of all kinds of -tinis. me, i choose the truthtini. grey goose, ruby red grapefruit juice and pama. what's pama? pomegranate flavored liqueur, according to wiki. yummy. i can't remember what amish country had but it will come as no surprise that it was pinker than mine. again, he's prob not used to pink liqueur. the amish make everything themselves so i'm thinkin white lightning. rude of me, yes? it's a joke, people. lighten up.

he's opinionated this one. very strong opinions on things like music, icky french cuisine, how he's been to paris so many times it's just cliche [wtf?], work/life balance, travel, the fact that girls shouldn't wear boyfriend jeans because they're too baggy. how girls really dress for girls and not for guys. drone on, droner.

back the truck up, mister man.

he hasn't a clue that his foot is squarely and securely in mouth. as you well know, i'm a rebel with a fashion cause and approach food with an open heart and open mind [a la cuisine!]. he's punching a few buttons unbeknownst to him. how superbly boorish of him to put a smackdown on my beloved french food. and screw your silly thoughts on [thank goodness they're back] boyfriend jeans. too many strikes to count against this boob. i'm getting irritated right now, again, just thinking about it. on behalf of girls around the globe who aren't wearing tightassed jeans and tube-tops i say, you screwed the pooch, buddy. whatever that means.

let me just mention before i blow my top, that we did order food. i'm not hungry after 3 1/2 courses but, since i'm here, i'm going to try a couple things i heard about. we opt for the curry lamb sliders with gorgonzola and mint pesto, the duck springrolls and handcut fries with truffle mayo. those lamb sliders were tadiefor. seriously. perhaps the best sliders i've had. holy mother of is that barack obama painted on the wall? yep. i'll come back just for those sweet babies. i can't wait to return [with someone else] and get those dreamy lamb sliders again, whilst sitting upstairs. and with a glass of bubbly. i think he ordered the springrolls just in case the sliders weren't good. have you ever had a springroll that's bad? kind of boring.

the handcut fries. well, i call a flagrant foul on that. i'm not complaining about them, but i'm solidsure they're handcut by someone at the potato factory then flash frozen. the truffle mayo needs more truffle. doesn't it always?

i won't say our convo got heated but i will admit that my smurly side surfaced. what the f is that? that's being slightly surly while smiling. i'm so crafty.

don't worry, friends, he's not detecting my irritability. i know this because he continues in this way the remainder of the evening. meanwhile i'm thinking i should meet up with mr. pretty and the gang who are happily rockin out to a local band at the new h street country club. crap.

well the date ended at last because it was getting late and he had a long drive back to lancaster, pa. we waited outside together for our vehicles, with that gratuitous dialogue you have to protract as a date comes to its [ill-fated] end. mindlessly talking about getting together again and how fun that was, blah, blah blah. ugh. hell.

dude, where's my car?

i know you're wondering whether this chap liked me. of course. they always do when you don't return the vibe. which blows. he texts me on the way home. he texted me the following day to arrange another date. what's the rush you ask? this amish country chatzkies salesman [yep you heard me] is traveling the entire month of august - through the middle east. alone. brave, cool, intriguing, etc.

he [jokingly, i hope] mentions that if we can't manage a date before he leaves for vaca, perhaps i'd consider meeting him in paris at the end of his trip - what happened to paris being cliche?

summer is no time for negative nellies and naysayers. so for that, i apologize. i don't have strong opinions about much but i've got one about overly opinionated people who share-too-much. and i don't run off to paris with them.

it's my policy.

ray's the steaks, 2300 wilson blvd, arlington, va

there's always been a buzz about ray's the steaks. people who've tried ray's either love it or hate it for reasons that mostly boil down to expectations and ambience. what's not to love? here's a cluebird for ya: read reviews before you dine out. not every resto should offer the same old sheet. it's what makes the world go round. i like to embrace these differences.

recently ray's moved down the street from its not-so-attractive stripmall location, allowing owner michael landrum to triple the number of covers he served in a night. bonus for you: the address of the new ray's the steaks is horsepuckey. don't let its wilson blvd address fool you into thinking it's actually on wilson. it's on clarendon blvd. for the love of arlington's 19 starbucks in a 2-mile radius, i give up trying to understand the whole clarendon wilson blvd thing.

so here's how i wind up at ray's a coupla thursdays ago. i bumped in to some friends on the way to the dogpark one afternoon; a coolio fun easygoing couple who used to be my neighbors. they suggested dinner at ray's the steaks. how nice is it that? i haven't been in moons. plus i love having dinner parties with people i don't see very often. keeps life interesting, no? they said they'd arrange everything and text me the deets. which they did. well in advance of the reservation.

well, i didn't have it on my calendar, because my assistant had taken the week off. silly ditzy girl.

kidding. come on, people. i am my assistant and my life is an effing trainwreck.

turns out, i double-booked myself, having scheduled yet another mind-numbing blind date the same night. [cut me some slack before you judge. i'm trying to gather some more material for this lame-ass blog.]

i couldn't postpone the blind date because he was driving [horse and buggy] from amish-country lancaster, pennsylvania. what the? i know, i know. one of these days i'll come across a charming gentleman who lives between 1 and 6 miles from me.

i couldn't cancel dinner with friends and look like a flakasaurus rex. well that and they mentioned something about a hottie single friend joining.

how smart am i? dinner at 6:30; blind date at 8:30.

if you know anything about ray's, besides the fact that it's a well-regarded and reasonably-priced steak house, you know it's a get 'em in getemoutasfastaspossible burn and churn kind of resto. an hour an half for dinner here is totally doable.

most people know that anytime you double-book yourself, things don't go exactly as your pea brain intends. you end up having unforeseen best time of your life at engagement #1 and subsequently visualizing ways to dodge engagement #2.

we'll call that jt's law of double-booking. it has an equal and opposite outcome too, which is when you want to disengage from a boring situation to mosey along to a merrier one.

just as i'm sashaying through the door, i see my friend and favorite dc sommelier, james beard foundation award-winner, mark slater. he recently left michel richard citronelle after 12 years and joined ray's as wine director for all of michael landrum's restos, ray's the steaks, ray's hellburger and ray's the classics. what a doll baby.

and while he's a wine-stud he is not the supercilious sommelier he could be - even though his brain holds a $hit-ton of viniferous information. mark has a legendary talent for discovering fascinating wines under $40. if you see him when you visit ray's, by all means, enlist his assistance in choosing a great bottle. that's what he's there for. for us, he sent us some yummy bubbly followed by a lovely bold malbec for dinner.

so we're seated at the best table in the house - right in the middle of all the action. i should mention here that the fellow with my neighbors is indeed, hot. all caps. not only is he terribly attractive, he's california dude rockstar trendy. and healthy looking. trust me when i tell you we don't have these creatures running rampant in dc. not straight ones anyway.

i don't know why all the people on yelp, donrockwell.com and tripadvisor blah, blah, blah are always talking about the lack of decor at ray's. who gives a frog's fat ass? i find it refreshing that it's minimalistic. it's simple. clean. what if when there's not a bunch of cluttery filling up all possible white space, you actually focus on the food and conversation [and getting the hell out as fast as ray's can get you gone]. ray's is totally family-friendly too btw. there's all sorts of clientele here - and yes, mark confirms that they do indeed serve 300-400 people a night here. standard ops.

even though he talks incessantly, i find the brawny chap next to me really interesting because he's in the process of opening a few restaurants in dc. smart and pretty? and stylish? crap i have a blind date in an hour with a guy from amish country.

it would be really rude of me to call in sick, wouldn't it? even if guy next to me is really shiny and pretty?

back to the food. ray's offers a crazygood deal: 3 courses for $23.95. first course of salad or soup, main course of either the scallops, the top sirloin or the hanger steak and choice of dessert. how oklahoma of them - i love it. i'm totally here for beef. that's what they do. really well.

the lovely mr. slater is reading my appetizer-loving mind and takes charge in sending us a few: the steak tartare "deviled" eggs. i love steak tartare with all my heart, i do. so flippin cute this is, i can barely stand it. i'm stealing this idea. deviled eggs are all the rage now if you haven't heard. you can stuff anything into a boiled egg right? they needed a little more salt. surprise, surprise. he also has the kitchen deliver a demitasse cup of the crab soup. full of flavor and muy delicioso. and, where on earth can you get bacon as an appetizer? here, friends. uber-thick slices of applewood smoked bacon perched atop a sweet tuft of sauerkraut. an order of angry shrimp comes as well, or shrimp diablo - super spicy, i warn you. but i like it. in moments our salads come and minutes after that (remember, they're all business at ray's and they want to fill your seat with someone else's arse as soon as they can) steaks arrive. mine, i went for the hanger steak - slightly tougher than other cuts and not as juicy, but bursting with meatiness. you have your choice of varied sauces and other things like roasted garlic or roquefort to top your steak. i chose a port reduction along with roasted garlic. it's likely i'm not kissing anyone tonight. who doesn't love garlic anyway? i was real happy with my choices.

i look at my watch to discover it's 8 and we haven't ordered dessert. "i've got a blind date at 8:30," i inform mr. pretty.

"what? cancel." is his response. as tempting as this is, i must adhere to my prior commitment but promise to ditch out of blind date if i'm not enjoying amish country. upon my return from powdering my nose and checking my pearly whites, desserts have arrived. i manage to capture a bite of each. do try the key lime pie. it was the winner. the chocolate and white chocolate mousses (meese?) are so-so, though i'm not that much of a mousse girl anyhow. cheesecake was good i think but i really needed more time with it to be sure. tiny peanut butter chocolate petit fours are a perfect touch that come - next to the check of course.

hate to eat and run but hey, it's ray's and if you're not running out they'll probably run you out.

i'll have to reinvestigate mr. pretty another time.