whack-a-mole

you know that game at the fair.

squash-a-squirrel
bonk-a-badger
spank-a-gopher

call it what you will.

i call it trying to find someone dateable for more than one to three hours. if i'm lucky a yummy summer romance that leads to happilyeverafter.

trying to find a love interest is like whack-a-mole. by process of elimination [of vermin], i'm gonna find that perfect-for-me guy {i think his name is matt damon but he keeps having babies with ben affleck's former assistant}.

truth be told, i have no game but somehow i continue to meet people here and there and give it a whirl. anyway, you meet 'em, chat with 'em, go out with 'em, and then...

just whack 'em down, one by one until you're exhausted and your hand-eye coordination is wiped out and you lost all your quarters to this silly game leaving the fair empty-handed-but-fat from funnel cakes and indian tacos.

if you win though, you get the biggest, fluffiest, snuggliest stuffed animal hanging on the wall - notably hanging just behind dirty, toothless carnie. a really good metaphor, don't you agree?

that's me still being positive.

so last night i whacked-another-mole in a roundabout sort of way. there's this fine fella i've been crushing on for 3 1/2 years who doesn't know i exist. it's kind of a joke amongst friends because i was so smitten when i met him way back when, i still bring him up like i have a chance in hell, fantasizing about my future with this guy. ok, well i'm exaggerating a bit.

jennifer cousteau sounds so cool, no? that's one of the few people i'd change my name for. that or damon. or jeter. or hyphenated to brady-favre, cuz it's just a pain in the rear to change your name with all the airline miles and such.

i even named my dog after him. {i know, i know, scary stalker.} silly girl.

silly but cute little blond girl dressed last night in a must-have purple calypso dress with golden jimmy choo flip flops. {happy sigh}

i went to a fundraiser-shopping event at bethesda's ginger boutique, 1) because it's my friend's store and i had the night off to go visit her and shop, 2) because possible mr. right was the headliner at this event and 3) opportunity to wear cute outfit - see above.

i quickly realize there's a problemo, he was swarmed by taller and more aggressive crushers. i did get asked by someone to take her picture with him. i really really don't have any game - trying to play it cool gets you no where fast. i annoy myself.

crap. time's running out. i have to act now or he's gonna leave soon. plus i'm awkwardly lingering around the store like a total hangeroner, probably on glass of wine number 3 or 4. so as he's bidding good evening to my friend, i make my move. "you know, now that i think about it, i've met you before." "really, where?.... wow, that's great, that's my favorite restaurant, i've been there many times."

[i haven't the foggiest clue who the hell you are].

and that was that, mr. cousteau was off to dinner/next event/better deal.

for the love of all the creatures in the ocean, i need a list of things to say when these once-in-a-lifetime moments happen upon me.

three years later, he's still super-cute and charming but i got over him last night. it's liberating. whacked another mole down and know mr. really right is still runnin' around out there somewhere.

p.s. i can't say his name anymore without thinking of my dog. and that's so not hot; can you imagine?

creepy caller part deux

one person almost always thinks the date went better than the other. pessimistic attitude? no - realistic, friends. come on, i've been doing this a while.

i've dated a lot of frogs hoping [hopping?] to find my prince: online tom cruise look-a-like who looked like a troll in person, to girl-hands, text-a-holic, narcissist, tattered t-shirt, jean short-wearin' with tevas dude, gold-necklace, bragasaurus rex, personalized license tag guy, expensive bill-splitter, up-front porsche parker, do ya want me to go on?

date from the mall evidently thinks our date was a success. me, i know i was right about it being a failure. creepy caller (that's what i'm referring to him now as) struck again last week.

he called last tuesday to see if i could do lunch saturday. i knew the moment i received that voicemail that i would be busy cooking for a party of 60 that day. and if i wasn't i would've been busy doing something else, like balancing my checkbook, something i haven't done since high school. or brushing my dog to rid him of the shedding fur.

rudely, i didn't return the call til friday to inform date i was busy saturday. "oh well i organized a surprise for you in hopes of kidnapping you for lunch." props for good planning which is rare in this dating age, however, if you don't know whether someone thinks you're sketchy, never use the word kidnap as a descriptor for getting you on a date.

i explained how i was going to be really busy the next couple of weeks but asked what the surprise was. i should've acted like i didn't care but when you act aloof, people fall in love with you and i sense i'm already running that risk here.

"you women always have to know about surprises."

ugh, strike #142. gimme a break, man. like you know about women. you don't know bo diddly jackson about me, mistah.

surprise was he bought tickets for a lunch cruise on the odyssey. if you don't live here, you don't know what the odyssey is. if you do live here, you're collectively expressing a sigh of relief for my not going on this date.

the odyssey, it's an eyesore of a boat (pictured here, it looks cool, but trust me on this one) that runs up and down the potomac - strictly for tourists - serving way less-than-mediocre food in a crowded atmosphere of old people and uncreatives who can't tour the sites on their own, on foot or even on the duck bus/boat. it's the equivalent to one of the double-decker buses, only i'd rather be on that because at least you're not trapped indoors looking through a green-colored glass amongst the stench and chattery of hording tourists. there are way better ways to see the sights of dc.

a three-hour tour. a three-hour tour.

holy mother of foie gras. imagine my horror if i had snuck away for lunch on a day i was catering a party for 60 people only to find out it was going to be a three-hour ordeal with an inappropriately dressed horse dentist. he would've gotten a surprise of his own - the wrath of an overbusy, over-tired wack job having a full-on mental breakdown. i'm not joking.

did i mention he lives in the boonies/'burbs one hour from dc? this was strike #1, but i was "giving it a whirl" just to see if the man of my dreams was living in leesburg virginia and i didn't know.

i think i did mention that i said i was busy for the next couple weeks. much to my happiness, he understood and told me to call him when i came up for air so we could get together again. "ok," i lied. why is it so hard to tell someone you're just not into him?

he called sunday to see when i was available. what the huh?

i hit the ignore button. it was my day off. from work, from horse dentist, from lying and feeling guilty about it.

that date woulda made for a great blog, don't get me wrong, but this is one i'm so not taking for the team. sorry.