national harbor debauchery

washington national harbor - brand-spankin huge. holy mother of colossal newness. what was a dubious opening last winter, a few restos and shops opening in the dead of cold and amidst crappy economy, things have changed [all caps]. i visited saturday to be a part of a friend's birthday fete and whaddayaknow, the place is thriving. unless you traverse the woodrow wilson bridge you probably feel like national harbor was built overnight. where the heck have i been?

this place is massive. and pristine. it kind of looks pleasantville-movie set fake and plastic, void of any personality. yet. i'm sure it won't be long before it cultivates its own magic charm.

plan was to meet in old town alexandria and hop the water taxi.

haven't you heard? oh yes, we just joined the ranks of cities with water taxi service. i can't say it enough: kickass. for $8 it shuttles you directly from old town alexandria to the national harbor leaving every 20 minutes or so. [there's a pretty cute 1st mate on the one i rode too btw.]

so i missed the 4:40 scheduled water taxi with my amigos because i got caught up in my gorgeous day. if you head over to the marina, just walk up and buy a ticket, easy breezy. the schedule's online at http://www.potomacriverboatco.com/ - one leaves every 15-20 minutes. it's nice, the water taxi. i would say it's equivalent to the wall street-jersey city ferry yet not as pleasurable as the ferry from st. thomas over to st. john. this isn't exactly the caribbean ya know.

the boat's quite clean. sit indoors or not. me, i chose to enjoy the ride outside - a little crowded with the bad-shoed fannypackers and with complete lack of seating but worth it on this astonishingly perfect day, 85 degrees sans humidity. i'm trying my damndest to not look tourist.

i'm told it takes 20 minutes to zip over.

not exactly. 37 minutes after embarkation, we are at our first stop, gaylord national resort and convention center [yes, gaylord's long rich arm stretches from oklahoma to the east coast].

i strongly recommend you disembark here because it takes another 20 minutes for this boat to get its act together and get you over to the next stop, which would take you 5 minutes to walk to your bar/resto and as a bonus you can familiarize yourself with the goings on. if you're loving rubbing up against strangers though, the the 2nd stop lands you smack in the heart of all the action.

did you know that the national harbor spent $hit tons of money to transplant that spine-chilling awakening statue of the man coming out of the ground that used to be at hain's point? he's not as disturbing coming out of the playground with kids jumpin on and off him. but holy crap he still gives me the creeps.

(scary awakening statue moved from hain's point -top photo - to national harbor - bottom.)

anyway, there's all kinds of shops and galleries that i'd like to go back and check out when i'm not headed over there to get my drink on. [and my lampshade on.] btw there's more scheduled to open too so just be patient.

there's a saturday market from 10-3 and friday night jazz concerts and outdoor movies during the week. just check out http://www.nationalharbor.com/. i think a terrific family situation.

streets lined with hotels, condos, lots of resto's (though mostly chains i think) and shops and kiosks selling inane chatzkies, compactly situated in walking distance of each other. it's really un-dc. i can't even decide what to compare it to.

so i get off the boat, head up the steps and meet my friends over at rosa mexicano to get my paws on the indispensible pomegranate margarita. half of our gang's already getting situated at bobby mckey's - our destination spot for the birthday hooha. we're lucky to have prime real estate on rosa's patio on such a stunning day so we opt to linger for a bit. do get the fresh guacamole at rosa mexicano. and do request salt on your marg so you can use it to season the bland yet delectable guac. [i know, always, i need salt.]

on the word that birthday girl's already staked out her spot at bobby mckey's up the street, we head that way too after soaking up the last bit of sunshine for the day. it's gonna be a spectacle, bobby mckey's: it's a dueling piano bar. i think it's $15 bucks to get in. our table's opportunely front and center [well, slightly off center, there's a bachelorette party front and center]. birthday girl has already been on [exhibition] stage; damn we missed that.

no worries though. she'll be up there again. and again. and oh yeah, again.

someone gave the birthday girl a little mannequin pis statue. our mascot for the night, pictured here. if you press the button, he pees out whatever drink you've poured into him. i'm thirsty, why not? naughty, huh? reminds of something peddlers sell you in rome. only bigger.

(the real mannekin pis, in brussels)

so the deal at bobby mckey's: go ahead and get half in the bag so you're ok with impending mortification, especially if you're the guest of honor at your shindig. oh and don't take your mama here. unless of course she's ok with heaps of loutish vulgarity.

as the guest of honor your friends pay tribute to your birthday by shamelessly crafting song requests and embarrassing little secrets on cocktail napkins and handing them to one of the piano players along with a [bribe] tip.

next thing you know you're on stage performing for the encouraging crowd. and by that i mean they're encouraging you to act like a buffoon. you might find yourself playing the air-fiddle to their rendition of devil went down to georgia. you only live once.

(here a cocktail napkin request for poison's talk dirty to me. i guess the scribbly heart was a lame effort to get their attention so they'd play my song.)

now i understand how dudes get caught in the slippery slope of the strip bar and come home broke. the thought process of, if i can get something for a dollar, what can i get for $5? hell, what happens if i slip him a $20? well, here i can tell you, you get the same for a dollar as you would for $20. he completely ignored my request for poison's talk dirty to me - accompanied by a $20. and with my $5 he sang only one quick line of britney's womanizer. annoying. but for $1 i think i got a couple bars of something, can't remember what. those dudes make bank. i became known as green dress for some reason.

we had a lovely time at bobby mckey's. i'm not sure lovely is the right descriptor actually. a raunchybawdy loud good time. i'm not embarrassed. i unreservedly fulfilled my duty in celebrating my friend's birthday. that's what girlfriends are for, no?

we didn't make it to cadillac ranch afterwards for the old-fashioned mechanical bull-riding we had planned. i guess birthday girl was in no condition for that. next time. next time.

evidently i did meet a dude on my way out who i so generously gave my number to. what the? thanks to my amigos for sweeping me away from him, whoever he was.