whack-a-mole

you know that game at the fair.

squash-a-squirrel
bonk-a-badger
spank-a-gopher

call it what you will.

i call it trying to find someone dateable for more than one to three hours. if i'm lucky a yummy summer romance that leads to happilyeverafter.

trying to find a love interest is like whack-a-mole. by process of elimination [of vermin], i'm gonna find that perfect-for-me guy {i think his name is matt damon but he keeps having babies with ben affleck's former assistant}.

truth be told, i have no game but somehow i continue to meet people here and there and give it a whirl. anyway, you meet 'em, chat with 'em, go out with 'em, and then...

just whack 'em down, one by one until you're exhausted and your hand-eye coordination is wiped out and you lost all your quarters to this silly game leaving the fair empty-handed-but-fat from funnel cakes and indian tacos.

if you win though, you get the biggest, fluffiest, snuggliest stuffed animal hanging on the wall - notably hanging just behind dirty, toothless carnie. a really good metaphor, don't you agree?

that's me still being positive.

so last night i whacked-another-mole in a roundabout sort of way. there's this fine fella i've been crushing on for 3 1/2 years who doesn't know i exist. it's kind of a joke amongst friends because i was so smitten when i met him way back when, i still bring him up like i have a chance in hell, fantasizing about my future with this guy. ok, well i'm exaggerating a bit.

jennifer cousteau sounds so cool, no? that's one of the few people i'd change my name for. that or damon. or jeter. or hyphenated to brady-favre, cuz it's just a pain in the rear to change your name with all the airline miles and such.

i even named my dog after him. {i know, i know, scary stalker.} silly girl.

silly but cute little blond girl dressed last night in a must-have purple calypso dress with golden jimmy choo flip flops. {happy sigh}

i went to a fundraiser-shopping event at bethesda's ginger boutique, 1) because it's my friend's store and i had the night off to go visit her and shop, 2) because possible mr. right was the headliner at this event and 3) opportunity to wear cute outfit - see above.

i quickly realize there's a problemo, he was swarmed by taller and more aggressive crushers. i did get asked by someone to take her picture with him. i really really don't have any game - trying to play it cool gets you no where fast. i annoy myself.

crap. time's running out. i have to act now or he's gonna leave soon. plus i'm awkwardly lingering around the store like a total hangeroner, probably on glass of wine number 3 or 4. so as he's bidding good evening to my friend, i make my move. "you know, now that i think about it, i've met you before." "really, where?.... wow, that's great, that's my favorite restaurant, i've been there many times."

[i haven't the foggiest clue who the hell you are].

and that was that, mr. cousteau was off to dinner/next event/better deal.

for the love of all the creatures in the ocean, i need a list of things to say when these once-in-a-lifetime moments happen upon me.

three years later, he's still super-cute and charming but i got over him last night. it's liberating. whacked another mole down and know mr. really right is still runnin' around out there somewhere.

p.s. i can't say his name anymore without thinking of my dog. and that's so not hot; can you imagine?

creepy caller part deux

one person almost always thinks the date went better than the other. pessimistic attitude? no - realistic, friends. come on, i've been doing this a while.

i've dated a lot of frogs hoping [hopping?] to find my prince: online tom cruise look-a-like who looked like a troll in person, to girl-hands, text-a-holic, narcissist, tattered t-shirt, jean short-wearin' with tevas dude, gold-necklace, bragasaurus rex, personalized license tag guy, expensive bill-splitter, up-front porsche parker, do ya want me to go on?

date from the mall evidently thinks our date was a success. me, i know i was right about it being a failure. creepy caller (that's what i'm referring to him now as) struck again last week.

he called last tuesday to see if i could do lunch saturday. i knew the moment i received that voicemail that i would be busy cooking for a party of 60 that day. and if i wasn't i would've been busy doing something else, like balancing my checkbook, something i haven't done since high school. or brushing my dog to rid him of the shedding fur.

rudely, i didn't return the call til friday to inform date i was busy saturday. "oh well i organized a surprise for you in hopes of kidnapping you for lunch." props for good planning which is rare in this dating age, however, if you don't know whether someone thinks you're sketchy, never use the word kidnap as a descriptor for getting you on a date.

i explained how i was going to be really busy the next couple of weeks but asked what the surprise was. i should've acted like i didn't care but when you act aloof, people fall in love with you and i sense i'm already running that risk here.

"you women always have to know about surprises."

ugh, strike #142. gimme a break, man. like you know about women. you don't know bo diddly jackson about me, mistah.

surprise was he bought tickets for a lunch cruise on the odyssey. if you don't live here, you don't know what the odyssey is. if you do live here, you're collectively expressing a sigh of relief for my not going on this date.

the odyssey, it's an eyesore of a boat (pictured here, it looks cool, but trust me on this one) that runs up and down the potomac - strictly for tourists - serving way less-than-mediocre food in a crowded atmosphere of old people and uncreatives who can't tour the sites on their own, on foot or even on the duck bus/boat. it's the equivalent to one of the double-decker buses, only i'd rather be on that because at least you're not trapped indoors looking through a green-colored glass amongst the stench and chattery of hording tourists. there are way better ways to see the sights of dc.

a three-hour tour. a three-hour tour.

holy mother of foie gras. imagine my horror if i had snuck away for lunch on a day i was catering a party for 60 people only to find out it was going to be a three-hour ordeal with an inappropriately dressed horse dentist. he would've gotten a surprise of his own - the wrath of an overbusy, over-tired wack job having a full-on mental breakdown. i'm not joking.

did i mention he lives in the boonies/'burbs one hour from dc? this was strike #1, but i was "giving it a whirl" just to see if the man of my dreams was living in leesburg virginia and i didn't know.

i think i did mention that i said i was busy for the next couple weeks. much to my happiness, he understood and told me to call him when i came up for air so we could get together again. "ok," i lied. why is it so hard to tell someone you're just not into him?

he called sunday to see when i was available. what the huh?

i hit the ignore button. it was my day off. from work, from horse dentist, from lying and feeling guilty about it.

that date woulda made for a great blog, don't get me wrong, but this is one i'm so not taking for the team. sorry.

legal seafoods, tyson's galleria, mclean virginia

this is not a restaurant review. this instead is a blind date review. why? because there's really only one reason to eat at legal seafoods - there's nothing else around, there's no reason to talk about their food. it's marginal and that's being generous. legal seafoods serves a purpose: you're at the airport grabbing a bite, at the mall grabbing a bite (on a blind date) and you have to eat something. you all know i'm not a chain restaurant girl.

my point for this blog is to offer some of jt's quick tips on dating. on blind dating. what not to do. if you don't like these, think i'm a biatch, over-sensitive, picky, seinfeld episode, shallow, etc., great. i am. i am all of those things. in the defense of the chap who was my blind date, how was he to know i'm not into making grand plans with someone whom i just met (dude, show some restraint). i'm also not that outdoorsy (show another side to your personality). i'm an admirer of great personal style (first impressions are very important).

So, in the interest of time, i've bullet-pointed a few helpful tips.

1) do not call someone at 8am to schedule possible date
a) do not call someone twice more the same day just to chat
b) do not call that person twice the next day if you've already set up plans to meet in two days; that's considered excessive and borderline stalking and you run the risk of not getting to meet the girl at all

2) do not talk incessantly about yourself on the phone or in person

3) do not show up wearing shorts, t-shirt, tennis shoes, pullover rain jacket for a first date. unless you're in hawaii, california, any of the caribbean islands where it's super hot (and raining) and the plan is to do something outdoors

4) when you do finally decide to ask your date a question, kindly listen to the answer without interrupting and for the love of all things holy, don't fidget like you can barely contain yourself because you have something so freaking interesting to say when she's finished talking
a) do not finish date's sentences

5) don't ask date you just met to take a hiking trip to the grand canyon or white water kayaking in west virginia
a) this is especially true if date is particularly stylish, wearing 4" platform louboutins and huge jimmy choo bag

note: some of you are thinking, "wow - that's a dream date. i'd do that in a heartbeat." yes, well, you're not single - you're in love with your significant other. imagine these things whilst sitting across from overwhelming blind date coming on way too strong who's not notably attractive or charming or intuitive.

6) if date acts uninterested in this, don't proceed to ask him/her to take a long weekend in south carolina or italy. it's just desperate, unattractive, overwhelming. hell, i can't breathe, can someone open a window?

7) do not ask date what to tip the server; at this stage, everyone should know, i don't care if you are a horse dentist from the UK
a) if you do ask and date answers this ridonkulous question, tip what he/she recommended, or more, never ever less. anything less makes you look cheap and certainly makes for an awkward ending to the date

warning: behaving like this on first date may send a commitment-phobe running as fast as she can into the warm embrace of neiman marcus to snuggle with some new oversized-yet sporty prada sunglasses and spectacular gold gladiator sandals. she may even resort to opening a charge card at saks to cope.

restaurant eve, 110 s pitt st, old town, alexandria

(eve, the bistro. it's very romantic at night)

it annoys me that i can't think of a befitting word to describe my dining experience at restaurant eve but i have to proceed nonetheless. amazing? no, overused. fantastic? nope, underwhelming. perfect? tres cliche.

it was simply flawless. from walking in through the understated entrance on s. pitt street to the moment i left, every moment was truly without flaw. and just when i think i can't be inspired by a restaurant, i visit restaurant eve.

[by the bye, they may appear to be booked up on opentable.com, but just give a call and they'll tell you when they can seat you, and on this tuesday evening when i called at 6, they were happily able to seat me at 9:15]

frenchy's in town for a total of three weeks for a work project; i'm trying to devote as much time to this situation as possible to see if he's the dreamboat of my dreams. i wanted to take him to a top-notch restaurant whose menu is not designed by a french chef. who says only the french can cook properly [besides the french]?

actually chef cathal {silent t} armstrong is irish, which is ironic when you discover how good it is (nothing against the irish but they're not typically known for delicate food). if you're in old town and see a dude on a bicycle in a chef's jacket and checkered pants, it's probably chef armstrong zipping around from farmer's market to the resto or home to check on kids. charming, no?

it's reported that eve is great for romantic evenings, special occasions, or to impress a guest. horse-puckey. don't wait for something "important" to visit. what's important is that you experience this exquisite and enchanting place that's worth every penny and then some. the food is astonishingly good.

converted from an old town warehouse, eve is more like a cottage you're entering through a side door with exposed brick, ivy, romantic lighting. greeting you is a friendly hostess or three, perhaps even meshelle, chef armstrong's wife [and muse, according to the website. does anyone else out there want to be someone's muse? that's better than romance.].

the service was 2nd to none. overly serious waiter could be seen as condescending but really he's professionally helpful, guiding you through the menu, answering all questions. they're super-thrilled to bring out todd thrasher, dc-famed mixologist, beverage director and sommelier to all of armstrong's endeavors {and partner in some}, who will suggest a perfect wine or special cocktail he's developed for the night. i ordered a bottle of k vintners viognier, which they were out of, however they brought a substitute [for the same price] of e. guigal viognier, 2006. delicious but not floral; rather peppery for a viognier - i compare it to a red really with all of its bold flavors. even frenchy who prefers red really enjoyed it. i look like a genius; he'd never tried a viognier.

why do french people always look so natural when they swirl their glass of wine, sniff it and taste it? meanwhile americans tend to look more clumsy and fake when doing the same. i think they're born with this ability. especially when the french person is from sancerre i suppose. they better look cool. like i should look cool wearing chaps and riding a horse, being from oklahoma. which i would.

(eve, the lounge. you can dine in here but i don't recommend it because the tables are too low. skirt danger.)

i should mention that eve has a special chef's tasting room to the side of the bistro. i've dined there long ago - before i was a chef. ignorant to what i was really experiencing at that time. sad. tonight we're in the bistro, i believe, at the very best table situated next to the fireplace. also worth mentioning is that a former colleague of mine from citronelle is the chef de cuisine and listed as such on the menu. surprise surprise. i knew he worked there but didn't know he'd risen to the rank of chef de cuisine. impressive.

(eve, tasting room)

first course i ordered the steak tartare. i love steak tartare and you don't see it on too many menus so i want to see if it rivals that of central. i loathe to say it does. it does. it was rich and mustardy and delicious. frenchy doesn't "like meat not cooked" (broken english). hmm, so they don't all like tartare. ok. well he is a pastry chef. he ordered the scallop risotto first course. too heavy for me, though quite good.

the main course i had trouble deciding between the rockfish, which i love, the squab or the sweetbreads. sweetbreads might sound like dessert, but they're anything but. from the thymus gland of a cow, they're categorized as offal (the entrains and internal organs) - along with kidneys, liver, brain, trotters, and other parts that may have an unusual flavor and texture. when prepared properly [to tenderize it and neutralize the flavor, it's brined for at least a day , then often poached in milk to later remove the outer membrane] they have a rather delicate flavor.

me, i'm not a huge fan of sweetbreads. so that's what i ordered. i like to do this to see if my open mind can be changed. waiter agrees i should go with it.

eve has gently breaded and pan-fried them. they're beautifully presented (a rather large portion). looks like fried chicken. tastes like fried chicken. really really good tender fried chicken. i am so pleased and delighted. i haven't had a food smile on my face this big since bouley in nyc last september [and if you know bouley, you know what i mean]. frenchy ordered the bouillabaisse. traditional french seafood stew. oh boy. i guess he is from the nord [that's north] and bouillabaisse is southern french food. so it's kind of like when i order tex-mex.

for dessert a butterfinger cake; peanut butter and chocolate terrine with a quenelle of malted milk ice cream. it's good but didn't compare to my completely captivating entree.

as for frenchy and my communication skills: well we're getting better and better. use of dictionary is still rampant. i overheard table next to us commenting about how i was teaching him english and he teaching me french. how sweet. a good night for the french-american date. we're making progress i think. i can finally use the word ennuyeux without using my dictionary. i have looked it up no less than 10 times and if you're wondering, i use the words "bored" and "boring" excessively. typical american girl.

before our exit, former colleague gave us a quick tour of the kitchen. very clean surfaces, happy cooks and gorgeous copper pans. nice. super nice.

i treated this evening - no argument from frenchy, finally. it's not inexpensive at $200 but like i said, worth it. the best ingredients, the talent, the ambience, the taste. what do you expect people? i've spent a lot more on food that was just ok.

{The Armstrongs and partner Todd Thrasher also own and operate: Eamonn’s A Dublin Chipper , PX, the upstairs speakeasy lounge, and the historic eatery; The Majestic all within five blocks from Restaurant Eve.}

blah blah we lost the election blah

give it a whirl. that's my motto.

and so i did unsuccessfully give it a half-assed whirl. running for office, that is.

just a quick follow-up to food and politics. politics and food, for those dying to know the results of the election. in a nutshell, i wasted a perfectly good evening at the annual park fairfax neighborhood board meeting for the elections last wednesday.

we lost. period the end. it was lame, it was a silly waste of valuable time that i'll never get back.

so, why am i bummed about it? seeing it all unfold confirmed that the only people who give a rat's arse about the neighborhood are busy-bodied, ill-fashioned, single-minded old fogeys. i can't begin try to change a neighborhood that's afraid of change. it's overwhelming and requires time only these others have.

it's frustrating when you realize you cannot make a difference, even if it is for silly neighborhood elections.

that's all i have to say about that.

lastly, to update on ugly naked man: i saw him/tried to avoid him at the meeting. evidently someone posted an anonymous note on his door asking him to please close his blinds and have some decency to not parade naked around his house where we can all see him. someone else issued a complaint to the board about his nakedness. his response to this: there's now a hand-scribbled note in his bathroom window that reads, "FYI. Voyeurs."

huh?

brabo by robert weidmaier, 1600 king street, old town, alexandria

first of all i'm shouting, "bravo!" that someone has finally invested in the revival of old town alexandria. {if you want my thoughts on old town, click on the entry for jackson 20}.



chef robert weidmaier, of dc's brasserie beck and the lovely marcel's, has expanded his repertoire of resto's.



not only has robert weidmaier opened brabo restaurant, named after the roman hero, silvius brabo, just next door is the tasting room and next door to that is the butcher's block, a wine and gourmet shop. all by robert weidmaier. thank you, merci and grazie, chef.



this trio of treats is gorgeous too, from the outside. what a refreshing addition, see i can't say enough. they've opened in connection with the new lorien hotel and spa (a kimpton property - hotel monaco, et al.).



so, frenchy is back in town for three weeks of work. [see cafe du park entry for first dining experience with frenchy]. he happens to arrive with perfect timing for once - i have four days off from cooking and can finally fathom spending four to six hours of speaking loud and broken english (which has been daunting the past two times he's been in town, therefore his company being avoided). silly me.



brabo's on my running path through old town, so i've been frothing at the mouth to see what it's all about since i saw it's opening nearly a month ago. i was actually running one day when chef michel richard himself pulled his car over to tell me he was on his way to lunch there, asking me if i'd been yet [damn, i wished could've scooped michel].



btw, on this side of old town there's plenty of street parking so this is a huge bonus. so frenchy and i meet on the street and i get kissed on both cheeks. we accidentally walked into the tasting room, which by its name gives you the impression this is a chef's tasting spot.



oh no, friends, this is a coooool hangout. small and high-ceiling'ed, bustling with good energy, we're greeted at the door by chic hostesses and chefs welcoming us in. people in there are both attractive and having fun. my kinda place. i didn't realize i was in the wrong spot til i said i had a reservation. one waiter tells me i should've come here instead - it's way cooler. ah, but no, we are on a mission to eat so the kind hostess escorts us just next door to brabo restaurant. how sweet was that of her? that's service we're not used to in these parts, i assure you.



brabo is much bigger than i thought it would be. i had requested a quiet table (online, via opentable.com) due to our communication challenges. we stand at the door waiting to be seated. it's hot in here too. i'm starting to sweat. we must've stood there awkwardly for four minutes before the bartender tells me the hostess stand is behind a huge column in the middle of the room. strike one, i'm thinking.



don't worry though, there are no other strikes against brabo. none, nada.



the front dining area seems much more interesting but i'll have to try that another time as we're led to the rear dining room (for peace and quiet, i assume). i notice it's pretty slow for a thursday night, unfortunately.



our server, katherine/catherine greets us immediately with menus and wine menu. she's very sweet and knowledgeable and fortunately patient - little does she know this night's going to drag on and we're to be the last people outta here and i hope she didn't have an early night planned. because i was hot, i needed a glass of champagne on the double, so i went with charles de fere (at $8 a glass) and it was quite good. date wanted me to order the wine, but because i really wanted white, rather than red i asked him to please choose. they have a lovely and extensive wine list - pages and pages. he chooses Perrin & Fils, les Christins’ 2006 Vacqueyras for $57.



it's a nice menu too. there's not too much to choose from but it offers a good and interesting variety. he was going to order exactly what i had my eye on so i had to rethink. [and of course, i was going to order an entree this time rather than apps only.] date ordered for appetizer the wild mushroom and foie gras ravioli with truffle madeira sauce. it was quite good though the sauce alone has a really strong flavor of black licorice, not my favorite - it didn't seem to be anise, it was really really black licorice-y in flavor. the sauce was perhaps over-reduced too, as it left that weird coating feel in your mouth that only a chef would notice. but, as i said, all together it was nice.



i guess some of you probably don't care about the food. you're wondering how my date, part deux, is going.



well, strangely, the fact that we can't communicate very well is much more enjoyable than it was last time. we're using the dictionary a lot to muddle through but we were laughing and having more fun with it. i think since he showed the confidence to make fun of both how fast i speak and my terrible french accent, i loosened up - it was surprising to see his sense of humor. the waitress was probably laughing her arse off and feeling for me. i really had fun though - i swear.



my appetizer was fantastic. upon the recommendation of katherine, i ordered the duo of shenandoah smoked trout, which i never would've ordered otherwise. beautifully presented, it came with a perfect quenelle of smoked trout mousse atop the best potato blini i've ever had. alongside, another potato blini with a small piece of smoked trout filet and another perfect quenelle of creme fraiche. paired with these a small salad of julienne of granny smith apple (beautiful) and another tiny salad of shaved fennel. nicely done as well, but completely void of salt. those blinis were little pillows from heaven - creamy with an ever-so-tiny bit of crunchiness on the outside {it's like when you make pancakes and put too much oil in the pan, you know that little crust that develops? yummy}.



second course - date ordered the seared turbot with potato gnocchi, baby artichokes and black trumpets. it was gorgeous. it was slightly overcooked for his taste but i thought it was close to perfect. golden brown and the buttery sauce was delicate. i was interested in the skate wing, but on katherine's advice i ordered the grilled lamb tenderloins. they came with a white bean puree and ratatouille (normally to me ratatouille is icky, i thought brabo's was delectable without any pesky skins on the eggplant or peppers). the lamb was cooked perfectly medium rare. i wish i could complain about something. i can't. i really, really can't.



i will mention that there are several former citronelle buddies of mine working there - front of the house. eddie a busboy (i say busboy but he's an asian gentleman of probably 60 years) was working this night. he tells me that a couple of bartenders, an expediter also work there now. it's good none of them is working tonight as i need to really focus on my date.



i think we probably were vip once katherine realized she was waiting on a former citronelle cook and a french pastry chef. not that her service was lacking in any way, nor was the food to this point, but you just get a feel when things are ever-so-subtly ramped up. i'm ok with that.



by this point, flipping through le francaise-anglaise dictionnaire is 2nd nature. there are very, very few things that i smile and nod at, not really understanding. and i hope vice versa.



for dessert, he ordered the triple chocolate mousse terrine. sounds delectable, no? it was just ok. and if it's just ok to me, imagine it being so not worth the calories to a french pastry chef. three types of chocolate in the terrine and lacking in any rich chocolate flavor. pastry chef/date says it's too much sucre. that's sugar for you non-french speaking amigos.



i enjoyed the lemon "tart", which was really more of a lemon mousse served with a sable cookie and a tuile, alongside cilantro gelee - sounds weird but it's good with the lemon. certainly not my favorite dessert of all time but you know, i have to give brabo lots of kudos. i can't wait to go back again.



you know, being an american girl, i tried to pay too. last time was on him, this time, i think should be on me. he wouldn't hear of it. wouldn't even entertain the idea for une minut. tres gentlemanly.



i'm sad to report that the tasting room was closed up for the night at 11:30 (though the website says it's open til 1 am nightly). the boys getting off work told me they do last call whenever the crowd appears to be dying down. i understand. i'll go next time. that place is cooooolio. i promise. let's go out there sometime, friends.



we popped up the street to vermilion, another spot i've been meaning to revisit for some time. i won't get into the details, as we just had a cocktail there (have you ever seen anyone get a peppermint schnapps on the rocks? whatev. it was probably much better than the revolting glass of sparkling i was served).



i kindly gave frenchy a ride home though he wanted me to introduce him to philippe. think about that one for a minute. sly these frenchies, but come on.



bravo to brabo. we've been dying for a spot nearby to call "home." i can't wait to get over to the tasting room so i too can be one of those attractive people having fun with my friends in this sleek new spot.

politics and food. food and politics.

dubbing myself, "caterer to congress" sounds snobby, doesn't it? kind of like caterer to the stars. i'm fortunate to have clients who hire me to feed u.s. senators and congressmen. these congressman and their staffers love my food.

[duh, they've been eating crappy food from bull$hit caterers for years, when all they really want is one of jt's mini-burgers.]

i can't say i blame them. we all have to have something to hang our hat on and strangely, this is becoming mine.

honk honk.

remember, this isn't hollywood - our stars are members of congress. more powerful, less attractive. smarter, um, more educated, less fashionable. just look for the little lapel pin to know which one's the star in the room.

it so happens that i have a b.a. in political science, with minors in communications and criminal justice [wow-wee]. i am forever 9 hours short of a master's degree in public administration. i also graduated summa yum foie gras from l'academie de cuisine's professional culinary arts program.

i'm not making this up. i know about both food and politics. [which by the way does not serve me well on dates: one you're not supposed to discuss until like, date #10, and the other has ruined many a potentially romantic evening's dinner by blabbing on and on about the food.]

i wish i could share some interesting nuggets with all of you [both of you] reading this after serving food to some very influential people. this is top secret info. you've heard of doctor-patient confidentiality. i can't tell you what i hear at these dinners and receptions - it would chill you to the bone. it's more drama-filled than that 22 yr old bombshell's story who broke the scandal on the wonkette blog a few years back before we even knew what the f a blog was.

not.

come on, i'm busy making perfect food so that i get hired again and again. i got nothin. i'm not trying to start a watergate. foodgate. i'm just trying to happy up our too-serious and self-involved town with my food, one political fundraiser at a time.

i always wanted to be a politician, growing up. i was the girl {attention-seeking nerd} who ran for every possible office in school (especially the ones with big titles but few responsibilities - like, key club vice president. i suck at math as you may know). my mom told me in high school i had too many skeletons in my closet to be a politician. what, what? seriously? it's not like i was sleeping with prostitutes or forgetting to pay my taxes.

my political career started early. i was the instrumental brainchild of a backdoor vote-trading scandal that got me the illustrious position of state speaker of the house (youth & government) at age 16. impressive, yes?

at last, my dream of becoming a politician is now in bud, much like our beloved cherry blossoms in the tidal basin.

a member of the board of my condo association/my former dog-walker has approached me to be nominated from the floor of the upcoming board meeting where annual elections will take place. she has collected the proxy's of many apathetic condo owners so she can vote on their behalf. if she wins her seat on the board, she can then nominate me from the floor and use all those proxy's to vote me in. as winner. as the politician i was always destined to be.

it is a one-year position to finish out the term of someone who couldn't fulfil her obligation {read: someone who has a more interesting life; a non-meddling, nosy neighbor who's probably had it with the redonkulous nonsense that goes on in the board meetings}.

after a few days of thinking about it, i thought, "hell yeah, i have a platform."

and i'm not referring to my fabulous new louboutins. i have condo needs and want to see what the f is going on in our 'hood. it's high time the hip young people in our neighborhood take over and make this a cool place to be. is it possible?

"we" are running against a couple of people on the "evil" side. read: old, boring and unkempt, nosy, narrow-minded, keeping our neighborhood in the dark ages, blah, blah, blah. "they" think they are running unopposed. little do they know we're gonna backdoor them. heee, love it. who doesn't love a good scandal? did i mention richard nixon used to live in my neighborhood in his early political years - just across the street from me.

oh and if you're wondering what my agenda will be:

of nearly equal importance:

a) the "cool" pool/lyon's lane pool should not open in late JUNE for the love of all things holy. why doesn't that mother-trucker open memorial day like the uncool pools do? wtf? oh and change that baby pool into a hot tub. every pool doesn't have to have a cesspool for toddlers. we can have one for adults, right?

b) dogpark - i'd like to meet a hot guy in my neighborhood and let my dog romp around off his leash. we have plenty of unused land. let's do something productive with it, like create a happy place where dogs run free and attractive single people can begin a spring romance. i'd even be willing to graciously sacrifice some of the park my condo overlooks for that dogpark/hot guy hangout. i'll even serve beers and margaritas/gourmet snacks wearing a very cute apron

c) some condo owners who aren't officially in "patio units", but have the means and wherewithall to create a lovely patio setting that enhances and beautifies the neighborhood should be allowed to have a patio. take that suckas

c1) correspondingly, those who have trailer-trash sanford & son bull$hit junking up your yard will be placed under citizens arrest if it is not removed. kidding, sort of - get rid of it. just cuz you have a patio unit doesn't mean you can put a bunch of crap out there for us to look at. i can only imagine what's inside your house if this stuff is spewing to the outdoors

c2) unrelated but this reminds me: that ALL lower level (lincoln model) units must have blinds/window coverings on the bathroom windows. imagine the horror of catching a glimpse of my 400 lb neighbor sitting on the growler taking a grumpy while reading his paper!! omg! gross! ice cream~palm trees~happy place

d) direct tv - if you want direct tv, you should be able to have it. period. i don't want it but i don't give a frog's fatass if someone else does. knock yourself out. it's supposed to be a free country

e) christmas decor on the outside of the house should be taken down by jan 31 you lazy bastahds

f) why can't the recycling guys come more than once per week? if the world's to become a greener place it can start with us. plus, i can't keep saving all my recycling up for a blinking week, it's out of control. see, i'm not totally shallow, people

g) why are the people in the office so rude? i'm paying over $300 a month to pay your salaries. act nice, you grumpasaurus rexes. piss me off.

h) can we talk about central heat and air? geez, how hard would it be to just get it over with already. baseboard heating and window a/c units are unattractive and sooooo 30 years ago. let's spend that rainy-day money

i) snow-shoveling of our steps. do iiiit. i'm a girl. i need it

10) take the locks off the tennis courts. i can't find my key and i want in. i haven't seen any rogue tennis players in the neighborhood lately, i think we're safe

11) dog swim. dogs like to swim and they should be able to from time to time - fairlington lets their dogs swim on the last pool day, as well we should

12) parallel parking. if there's like 3' between your car and the next car because you don't know how to park, you're under citizens arrest. i hate coming home late and can't park because everyone's got too much room between their cars. perhaps you've heard me yelling/cussing like a sailor late night? i'll stop if you simply learn how to park. let's be courteous to all our neighbor parkers coming home late from the bars

13) park fairfax workmen should be working, not sitting in their parked vehicles for an hour whilst i carry in 900 lbs of groceries

14) free wi-fi. i hate comcast. 6 people per bldg are paying for wi-fi. we should have it for free - paid for by the association and give comcast a set neighborhood fee. they own us, and it pisses me off. losers.

15) i'll bring yummy gourmet snacks to the condo association meetings

there's prob more but i'll keep you posted on this heated election as necessary. rock the vote on april 15.