churchkey, 1337 14th st nw, logan circle, washington dc

i'm becoming predictable, no? checking out the new happenins at 14th st nw. again. perhaps i'll name my first-born logan shaw since i'm preoccupied with the eats and drinks in this 'hood. tonight, a friday, another new resto/bar is our destination. opened by the neighborhood restaurant group within the month, birch & barley [the downstairs resto] and churchkey, the upstairs beer bar with over 50 beers on tap and 500 bottles. oh and if this means something to you: 5 english-style casks sans excess co2. evidently ground-breaking in dc. to me less co2 just means a hangover-free saturday.

note: the birch & barley restaurant looks like a great date spot. sparsely furnished and very dimly lit. i think you can bring a less than attractive date here and be ok with it. the walls are amazing - looks like tree trunks are built into them. wild guess: birch?

until i can manage a date, upstairs to churchkey.

well, not exactly. you have to stand in line for a while staring at the steps that you're praying lead to hordes of cool goodlookings. yep you heard me. this blows people. it's a beer bar. standing in line to go to get a couple of beers feels ridonkulous. especially in a faux fur vest and my new platform barbara bui boots. (my new barbara bui boots; mine are gray and totally out of control.]

the doorgentleman has a really crappy job i think. would you like to be the guy throngs of thirsties are glaring at? he should try to be more entertaining to take our minds off the fact.

we were first in line so the wait wasn't too dramatic. upstairs, it's much bigger than birch & barley, deceptively spacious. and packed with all types clientele [except hot straight guys of course]. this place is superbly hip. the decor is a combo of gritty rustic with sleek elegant. anything goes i guess and i like that.

if you didn't know, i'm not a beer connoisseur [i can't know everything about everything. my pea-brain is kind of like a crowded bar - one in/one out, you know?]. i like beer. ummmm beer. no i do, i like a cold beer sometimes. drinking draught beer often lands me in bed with a post party headache for which there is no cure. therefore i avoid it at all costs and typically go for lame american bottled beer served superfrigid. tonight i'm throwing caution to the wind. while in rome, blah, blah, blah. expanding horizons, becoming more well-rounded. whatev you get the picture. i love to learn new stuff.

each beer is properly served: in the glass that emphasizes its nuances and at the temperature it tastes best. who knew beer was so complicated? this is no bar for homer simpson. and i didn't see any duff.

this also isn't a bar to really mull anything over if you don't have a barstool. be ready to tell the bartender what you want when you make eye contact. you know that game. stand there staring with mouth open ready to pounce when he looks your direction else wait like a buffoon wishing for beer. having a cc in hand or cash helps too. actually this bar is well-staffed and it doesn't take long at all to get served.

my girlfriends are considerably beersmarter than me and know what to get. i decide to start with the tap on the far left. no matter the beer, that's what i'll have and proceed to work my way from left to right. a good strategy, no? you just have to be able to keep count of how many you've had. which can be tricky when the alcohol percentage by volume is slightly higher in these beers than that of coors light. you can request a tasting glass of beer before committing. a great idea for most. i'm trying to move beyond my commitmentphobia. if you recognize this, color me impressed: i start with the kasteel triple, exclusive to churchkey. 11% alcohol by volume, in a 13 oz tulip glass. i like it but it's mammoth-strong like donkey kong.

check out the menu first. though overwhelming, it is well-organized for beerignorami like me. choose from crisp, hop, smoke, authentic cask ale, malt, fruit & spice, roast or tart & funky.

isn't it every person's dream to happen upon barstools the moment you walk in? it's not gonna happen here. people stay the dur here. once you're in, you're in and not leaving. we actually had a very minor scuffle with a pot-bellied grumpasaurus rex who got a little pissy with us when we made a barrangement with a couple getting ready to leave their seats.

you see what i'm talking about? men are so not gentlemanly in this town sometimes. he actually looked at three cute chicks and said he'd been waiting longer than us. man up, dude. for real. how terrifically whiney of him. we graciously relinquished those stools but not without the gentle reminder that it's friday, he should try to have some fun. fun hater beergut man. he should be ashamed and you just know he's wearing sensible shoes.

as you well know, good things happen to good people and we eventually got our lil butts into a booth. which is crucial because we need food as alcohol takes effect quickly when you're not used to strong beer. mac & cheese sticks. highly recommended by a couple of people, though not by this girl. sorry but i'm not a fan. a nice charcuterie board though, with pork rillete i believe. yummy. grilled bread was served with it, but why are they so miserly about it? ordering more, here's what we got:

(are you joking me? 3? why so tightfisted with the bread?)

we also ordered some fries. all food was pretty pedestrian, which is fine but it's not done well. they really just focus on the beer. as long as your barfood expectations are low you'll be ok with it. i read the burger's good from the same people that liked the mac & cheese sticks.

i also read about servers not being knowledgeable. i can't report on that. like i said, i worked my way from left to right and managed to drink four, which i is respectable because they sneak up. and beer is filling as you know.

oh and there was a line to get in here all night. i don't know what to tell you to do about that. i think you can call for reservations but there's nothing on opentable.com except for birch & barley. here's the number: 202.567.2576. give it a whirl. unless you like standing in line.